Behold! The rules to defensive (and fucking safe) driving:
#1. DO NOT TEXT AND
DRIVE!! When you do this, you are maneuvering your 4500 POUND killing machine
where there are innocent people and children innocently moving about. If you do
this, you’re an asshole. Don’t be an asshole.
#2. Yield signs are
for YIELDING! They’re not suggestions for yielding. They’re for fucking
yielding so fucking yield!!
#3. Turn signals are
there to let others know that you are either changing lanes or turning. Just because
you turn yours on, it does not mean that you may IMMEDIATELY change lanes
without looking. You must first YIELD. (see #2) Yielding is for everyone.
Fucking YIELD! When others let you in, then you may proceed.
#3-B. Turn signals are there for a REASON. They’re not so
you have something else fun to play with when you’re waiting around. They’re
for changing lanes and turning. FUCKING USE THEM! If you don’t, nobody knows
you’re turning/changing lanes so you have no fucking right to bitch when
somebody hits you from behind because you SUDDENLY braked to turn or if they
don’t let you in the lane you want to get in. You’re just being a douche at
that point.
#4. Do NOT block
intersections when you’re in traffic. You know what happens when you do? The
person who is waiting is cussing your ass and calling you an asshole. You don’t
want to be an asshole, do you?
#5. Do NOT pass
school buses when they have their lights flashing!!! This means little kids are
fucking exiting the bus and crossing the street. You WILL hit them and possibly
maim/injure/kill them. If you have kids and you do this, you deserve to get run
over by a train. And if you don’t have kids and you do this, you deserve to get
run over by a train. If my kid gets hit by you, I will go all fucking Liam
Neeson on you and fucking DESTROY you!!
#6. The left lane of the highway is called the “fast” lane.
If you’re in this lane and you are going SLOW, fucking MOVE! You are now in the
way of the people that are going FAST. Slow = asshole move. Fast = Correct. See
the difference? Now, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
#7. If you’re under 5’5”, do NOT drive a gigantic vehicle
that you prohibits you from seeing out of the front windshield. Your killing
machine now went from 4500 lbs to 5500 lbs and you are now endangering ALL of
mankind. Drive a CAR, asshole.
