Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Rules Of Driving (As told by me)

Behold! The rules to defensive (and fucking safe) driving:

#1.  DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE!! When you do this, you are maneuvering your 4500 POUND killing machine where there are innocent people and children innocently moving about. If you do this, you’re an asshole. Don’t be an asshole.

#2.  Yield signs are for YIELDING! They’re not suggestions for yielding. They’re for fucking yielding so fucking yield!!

#3.  Turn signals are there to let others know that you are either changing lanes or turning. Just because you turn yours on, it does not mean that you may IMMEDIATELY change lanes without looking. You must first YIELD. (see #2) Yielding is for everyone. Fucking YIELD! When others let you in, then you may proceed. 

#3-B. Turn signals are there for a REASON. They’re not so you have something else fun to play with when you’re waiting around. They’re for changing lanes and turning. FUCKING USE THEM! If you don’t, nobody knows you’re turning/changing lanes so you have no fucking right to bitch when somebody hits you from behind because you SUDDENLY braked to turn or if they don’t let you in the lane you want to get in. You’re just being a douche at that point.

#4.  Do NOT block intersections when you’re in traffic. You know what happens when you do? The person who is waiting is cussing your ass and calling you an asshole. You don’t want to be an asshole, do you?

#5.  Do NOT pass school buses when they have their lights flashing!!! This means little kids are fucking exiting the bus and crossing the street. You WILL hit them and possibly maim/injure/kill them. If you have kids and you do this, you deserve to get run over by a train. And if you don’t have kids and you do this, you deserve to get run over by a train. If my kid gets hit by you, I will go all fucking Liam Neeson on you and fucking DESTROY you!!

#6. The left lane of the highway is called the “fast” lane. If you’re in this lane and you are going SLOW, fucking MOVE! You are now in the way of the people that are going FAST. Slow = asshole move. Fast = Correct. See the difference? Now, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

#7. If you’re under 5’5”, do NOT drive a gigantic vehicle that you prohibits you from seeing out of the front windshield. Your killing machine now went from 4500 lbs to 5500 lbs and you are now endangering ALL of mankind.  Drive a CAR, asshole.

So, these are just a FEW of my pet peeves while on the road. I'm pretty sure that you have some of your own. Comment with your pet peeves and maybe we can make a Part 2 to this and help make the roads a safer place for everyone!