Friday, July 29, 2011

Cooking is NOT for princesses....

It's official. I can't cook.

 My Monkey Man went to Fry's.
 I said "Finish cooking dinner when you get back"
He said "No it's easy. You can do it."
Famous. Last. Words.

The steak was so bad, I couldn't even eat it. And I was hungry. The boys ate theirs. Of course, they ate from steak #2 which PROBABLY came out better than steak #1 for some unknown reason. Or maybe they were STARVING. I'll take the latter.
My Monkey Man came home and ate his. I asked him if he liked it. He said "Steak sauce cures all." Nice.

Although, there IS good news. I did NOT start a fire :) Which HAS happened before. And I freaked out. Luckily, my mom was there and she put it out in a snap.

I'm just not meant to be a house elf. I was meant to be spoiled and rich so I can have a butler. And a private chef. And a maid. /giggle

I once read a Sex and the City quote that said "The only thing I've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires." It was uttered by Carrie Bradshaw who, as you probably already know, is a bachlorette. I told my husband that if I was single, I'd starve. Or eat out every day. So I'd either be really thin....or morbidly obese. Nice.

Now, according to my friend Jess, I make a mean bowl of chicken noodle soup (from the can) and scrambled eggs with ketchup. yum! I used to think that if it came in a box or a can, I can totally rock it. But that theory became untrue when I made my son some Lipton noodles Fettuccine Alfredo and forgot to put in the seasoning packet. So I put it in at the end and mixed it up. He'll never notice right? He's 12. teenagers eat ANYTHING. Wrong. He said and I quote "You make it different than daddy" with a look of disgust on his face. Sigh

It's not my fault, really! (I have to blame it on the universe here) For a few reasons.

#1. The burner knobbies are most confusing. I think the back burner knobbies should be on the SIDE of the stove or something. Somwhere away from the front ones. Those drawings don't help since they're on the same level as my crotch and my crotch can't read. At least not that I know of.

#2. If you are gonna have a seperate seasoning pack to be applied during cooking, can't you already have it premixed? I mean, is that so HARD?!!?

#3. If you're gonna have a recipe that requires spices, can u give a definiton of what the spice tastes like? I mean, not EVERYONE likes Thyme or even knows how to pronounce it.

#4. Can you offer an alternate spice that actually tastes GOOD?

#5. I can't be bothered to WATCH the water boil. It takes SOOOO long. I'll put it on and start FBing and then FORGET. So I think water should be boiled at extremely high heat for maximum water boilage. Right?

#6. Why can't food come in pellets that we just pour water on and it becomes a three-course meal? Don't we HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY?!?!?! ( /giggle I've always wanted to say that.)

#7. I'm cute and smart and sugar and spice. And awesome chicks like me shouldn't HAVE to cook. We'll just READ you the recipe and YOU do it :)

1 comment:

  1. Rich and spoiled girl likes the Weasley boy. >.>

    In other news, I'm glad you attempted cooking. Every once in a while you need to blow it to remind the world why you don't do it.